I have a prediction: Charles and David Koch will soon announce they’re backing Bernie Sanders for president.
Here’s my logic, which is irrefutable:
We know the Koch brothers, and the organizations they fund, hate corporate welfare more than anything. They hate it!
The top priority of Freedom Partners, which oversees the Koch network of donors, is “tackling ‘rent-seeking,’ ‘corporate welfare,’ and other forms of cronyism.”
Charles Koch himself just told Politico’s Mike Allen that “We have to show that this corporate welfare and cronyism is unjust.” Sure, said Koch, it makes their friends unhappy, but “so what? You’ve got to do the right thing.” So as Allen wrote, “Rolling back corporate welfare is one of the top issues Koch is pursuing.”
Similarly, when Koch spoke recently to 450 of his fellow big donors at a recent Koch event in California, he demanded that “they have to start opposing, rather than promoting, corporate welfare.” In the Wall Street Journal, Koch wrote that “I have spent decades opposing cronyism and all political favors, including mandates, subsidies and protective tariffs.”
Cynics might suspect that the Kochs are talking up this part of their stated agenda because it’s one of the few things on it that’s genuinely popular with Americans — unlike most of their other treasured goals, like gutting Social Security and Medicare and radically slashing taxes on billionaires like themselves.
I, however, choose to believe.
And if you hate corporate welfare like I believe the Koch brothers do, it’s obvious that Bernie’s your candidate. He’s been railing against it for decades, and way back in 2002 estimated that it’s costing us $125 billion per year. Corporations “line up for billions in corporate welfare from the federal government,” Bernie says, because of a “greed culture.” And he specifically hates the Export-Import Bank, just like the Kochs.
By contrast, take a look at the presidential candidates whom the Kochs invited to audition for them a few weeks ago, like Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio and Scott Walker. They LOVE corporate welfare. Scott Walker just committed $400 million in taxpayer money to build a new arena for the Milwaukee Bucks. Bush and a business partner got a bailout worth over $4 million in 1990 during the Savings & Loan Crisis, and Bush has said the 2008 Wall Street bailout was “probably the right thing to do.” Rubio defends his support for subsidies for sugar farmers in Florida because they somehow protect our national security.
Sure, there are some issues on which Bernie and the Koch brothers disagree. But Bernie’s also the best fit with their purported beliefs about ending the war on drugs, gay marriage, and a less militaristic foreign policy. And the Kochs obviously disagree with all the GOP candidates on tons of things too.
The alternative to taking the Koch brothers at their word is to conclude that all the stuff they say that progressives love is just a scam — that when it’s time to get out their checkbooks to put people in office, the only thing they actually care about is whether those politicians will make them richer. (This is what free market economists call “revealed preference.”)
But I do take the Koch brothers at their word, so I look forward to seeing them sitting proudly in the front row when Bernie Sanders takes the presidential oath of office on January 20, 2017. Unless they decide to go with Jill Stein.
Capitalism is a welfare for the 1 percent. If the kochs want to help save/hang themselves, let them worry. We/people need to learn how to control(a 99 percent bailout) the fed, to avoid what happen to Greece. Bernie should take help from all for a transformative revolution, and avoid WW 3. The war will be between capitalists, communist capitalists, and religious capitalists. They all believe in the god of absolute power, will history repeat itself?
Of course, there’s the entire issue of exactly what corporate “corporate welfare” is. Is it loan guarantees for Solyndra, or sweetheart leases with low royalty payments granted oil and gas companies? Is it carried interest or tax deductible contributions to the think tanks like Cato?
shameless infantile propaganda. another stooge ‘journalist’ bends his spineless back to discredit the only presidential candidate devoted to democracy in America: Bernie Sanders. FEEL THE BERN!
Is this another trick/leading question?
Interesting article except for the fact you never identified who the Koch brothers are for those that read articles about Bernie Sanders but aren’t as well informed as you or some others. Shouldn’t they have been identified as who they are in the first paragraph?
Best satire I’ve read in ages! Kudos!
oh jon, if sarcasm weren’t so utterly wasted on the conservative right of politics there might be a point to this (rather neatly put) piece
The logic in this article is irrefutable and the proof that it’s brilliant satire is that some readers took it seriously. Well done Jon!
I think you are very smart . You found a way to trigger interest in your piece, which in reality is just an exercise in storytelling.
Feel the bern , bernie the man , koch brother r all ready back the republicans they dont want Bernie Sanders in OPEN YOUR EYES!!
Is this supposed to be satire? I don’t get it. Does the author of this piece know that this site is owned by a clown which is filthy rich and just as corrupt as the kochs?
I don’t get the need for this satire. I just don’t see its purpose. Dummies that are the hardest to convince to vote for their own interests will believe this and start supporting the Koch Brothers.
Lol, that was fun to read
That little old Zio-in disguise ain’t going nowhere.
Sure, a Big Government-loving socialist will solve all of our problems.
# 1. Bernie Sanders is not really a socialist or else he couldn’t be
a member of a corporate owned party.
# 2. The biggest government is a government which seeks to include
every person’s voice and their well-being.
# 3. People who argue against “big government” are people who would restrict
government to a few elites who see other people as “human resources” to
be used for private profits in an unregulated tyranny.
# 4. You obviously have little to complain about because your dream of an
unregulated path to hell is well underway and is the goal of democrats,
republicans, and libertarians alike.
# 5. Congratulations on your future misery!
Lovely bit of satire, Jon. Laughed out loud when I read, “Unless they decide to go with Jill Stein.”
This is the type of contraire, ” I don’t know…maybe” satirical dark humored article that is prime for a college newspaper. It’s dumb, it reveals nothing. Come on get some good journalists.
Billionaires live for funding both sides! They wouldn’t know to do the right thing, if their lives depended on it! If figures merikans would want a professed socialist in the big chair – clueless! All the (isms) lead to the same place – slavery for the masses!
There is no polite way of putting it: anyone who can’t see that this excellent article is satire is a moron. You must be the same people who couldn’t see that the DPRK_news twitter account was an equally well-written joke.
Schwarz is among the best journo-satirists in the business. We are lucky to have him.
Thank you for stating what should be obvious. If Bernie’s on our primary ballot in GA he will get my vote and many others of my acquaintance feel the same. Sen. Sanders is treated almost as the invisible man by the sold out main-stream media. ‘The revolution will not be televised.’
I’d like to see the end of Obama’s immigrant concentration camps filled w/women and children. Thx, again.
What a relief to know that the Koch’s just want to do the right thing.
You just proved TI needs more satire as far as I’m concerned. Even with that brilliant finish shooting your whole premise in the foot – plenty of closed-minded heads exploded on queue.
Bravo, Jon, well done!
It’s possible the Kochs will change into anti-capitalist socialists.
It’s also possible that FOX newsreaders and Republican politicians can convince the polar icecaps to stop melting.
Who really knows?
My goodness I am amazed at how many supposedly bright Intercept Readers are taking Schwarz at his word. It’s tongue-in-cheek people! Satire is difficult to write and this was not the greatest satire ever written, but Mr. Schwarz has given it a shot and don’t be so hair-trigger sensitive.
This piece is proof that satire is not for everyone
yeah.. it’s a frightening proof that the common sense intellect of the masses is beyond saving at this point. The lack of flexibility of thought along with the loss of understanding of humor is a very bad sign. Fundamentalism and facism thrives on this; that the masses will take everything literally. Nothing is black and white, and the inability to understand this leaves one at the mercy of those who do understand and who are willing to manipulate people to their own ends.
I really can’t tell if this is a serious article.
I thought the same thing….
I wouldn’t normally respond to this type of propaganda, but this is a pile of pure illogical horse hockey.
I’m left with wondering just how much $$$$ of the Kochs’ are jerks like Schwars to spew this non-since? The only thing Sanders and the Kochs have in common is that they both breath the same air.
One good think that comes out of this pile is that more citizens will vote for Sandes, and that’s a good thing. I know I will.
Sounds like Rand Paul is their guy. He wants to end coproprate welfare and end our wars overseas. He supports tax cuts and doesn’t support federally regulated marriage.
#StandwithRand
If you believe this, you must also believe that Bill Gates will send you a check for $5000.
I hope this is the satire it would appear to be with the statement “Here’s my logic, which is irrefutable”
The Koch brothers are THE representatives of the one percent. They are exactly what Bernie Sanders fights against and there is a reason that the Koch brothers have ALWAYS remained on the political right. No matter the lies that this article attempts to spin, they would never support someone who isn’t working for them and is in fact working for the people against him. Bernie has been VERY vocal in the past against them. Bernie would never take their money even if it was offered.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W828Zgu5og
Your piece is full of fallacy and you should be ashamed for writing this.
There’s no way to Koch brothers are going to support Bernie Sanders!
They may be against corporate welfare like Bernie Sanders, but Bernie Sanders is against big corporations and is a threat to the Koch dynasty.
In other words there are more differences then there are similarities in their philosophies. I’m surprised a writer would come up with this as it seems to be sensationally illogical.
You might want to read The Onion for a few weeks to get a grip on satire.
To all of the Bernie believers –
Bernie Sanders thinks Saudi Arabia (the birthing place of al Qaeda)
should be much more involved in fighting in the Middle East.
He doesn’t think they have done their fair share in the corrupt bloodbath.
Yes, he thinks they, and other middle eastern countries, should take the forefront in the conflict while we support them. It is their conflict, they have the third largest military budget in the world, and they should be taking care of their own conflict rather than us. He thinks we don’t need to be so involved, because our reasons for being there ARE CORRUPT.
When you say, “It is THEIR conflict,” I hope you are including the leaders
of NATO because it has been the British, the French, and the USA who have
put the Saudi royals in power and/or have kept them there.
There was no real questioning of them regarding 9/11 because that
would possibly expose the truth of NATO connections to the horror.
Instead, NATO went after a less reliable predator (Saddam) and
viciously and falsely
blamed, attacked, and slaughtered Innocent Iraqis to distract
the sheeple in the fake USA.
Now we have Sanders (the fake outsider democrat), acting indignant
because the Saudis are not doing enough to continue the corruption.
Isil is being supported by Saudi Arabia and Turkey. This is all a proxy war, one side being Shiites holding Iraq, Syria, and Yemen (backed by Iran) and Isil being supported by the Gulf States and Turkey. Turkey does token airstrikes on Isil targets to appease the US but then they pound the Kurds. Saudi Arabia also makes token gestures but then pounds the Houthies/Yemen. Waiting for Saudi Arabia to step in will not come of anything. Iran is going to need to take care of Isil.
ISIL/ISIS did not arise without encouragement from the US.
It seems everybody involved likes to spread the bloodbath –
as long as it is outsourced into a different country than their own.
Lots of money is being made by the weapons manufacturers.
Actually, with this article. you have managed to make think positively about Sander’s candidacy for the first time, but you assume a lot. Elizabeth Warren is also a hater of corporations but when put to the test she opts for good ole fashioned leftwing “industrial policy”. After all, another word for corporate welfare is “socialism”. But I confess I did not know that Sanders opposes the ExIm bank, and that is a very interesting data point. At this point, I’ll commit to voting for him if Trump is nominated by the Republicans. Otherwise, I don’t know. It’s too early.
Giant Space Meteor is an appropriate analogy. Koch cronies slash and burn college education funding and food stamps programs, then offer educational grants through NAACP while passing out free food to immigrants.
These blatant attempts to force leftwing constituents into frothingly dependent and subservient rightwing extremists belies their agenda: Power, at any cost.
Schwarz’s satire does speak to this phenomena, albeit less than an amusing possibility: Divide and conquer.
It seems like the point of this is saying they are hypocrites and inconsistent for not supporting Bernie, but how is it inconsistent to be against corporate and personal welfare? Bernie agrees with them on one half but is diametrically opposed on the other.
and Bernie will tell them to shove it
The Kochs do believe in the “artificial” market of fossil fuels unlike Sanders. The Union of Concerned Scientists estimate that the real market price for gasoline at the pump would be about $19 per gallon if free market costs of this product were included in the cost. Consumers and taxpayers are paying this higher price but the costs are hidden in other products so free market competition can’t work.
This artificial price dies NOT include costs like oil wars, asthma, lung ailments, cancers, environmental costs, pollution and cleanup cost – which wouldn’t exist using clean energy. The government helps also by giving more corporate welfare to fossil fuels than clean energy.
The Kochs recently help kill the “Cape Wind” project in Massachusetts which would have been a major breakthrough for offshore wind energy. This model was powerful because it used inexpensive real estate (in the ocean) along the East Coast providing electricity to America’s largest cities and this source is still producing when other fuel is expensive to import into those states.
That’s the difference between Bernie and the Kochs.
In the internet you are old at the age of 30 and in politics you age so fast.
Amazing process of resisting.
Seriously man, what were you thinking? This is impossible, as much as I would love it, it will never happen! However, less likely things have happened – and my fingers are crossed with deluded hope, just in case!
There is a completely different reason who the Koch brothers might actually like Bernie Sanders as president. They might believe that if Sanders became president it would be easy to paint the Democratic Party as extreme since Sanders even admits to being Socialist. If the Democrats were looked at as extreme that might pave the way for the party to be destroyed. If the Democrats were portrayed as extreme the party could get crushed in the 2018 mid-term elections. If this occurred the Democrats might lose a record number of House and Senate seats in 2018. This is a possibility if the party is characterized as extreme; especially if the economy fails by 2018. This might be the reason why the Koch’s secretly favor a Bernie Sanders presidency
The Republicans are constantly called extreme, but it doesn’t seem to hurt them at the polls
If, as President, Sanders were to bring back a modicum of peace and prosperity to the country, (and I think there’s at least an even chance that he could if he had the support of Congress), it wouldn’t matter what he or the Democratic party were called.
Bernie has the answer. Of course, no more cronyism certainly not under Bernie’s benevolent hand. He would prefer to just nationalize everything. See there,,, problem solved. Utopia achieved if government could just get a little bigger everything could be planned and solved oh so simply. That’s what they taught me in school.
Do you think Bernie will nationalize Google?
Your school seems a bit backwoods. Welcome to our country!
I can appreciate a clever skewering of phonies and hypocrites,
but the author falls short in this attempt.
According to the author, we are supposed to believe the premise
that the democrat Bernie Sanders is going to turn the corporate owned
democrat machine around so that it bites the corporations which feed it.
As a peculiar twist, yes, I do believe that Bernie and the Kochs could
end up in the same bed.
I just have no way of supposing it will be in the
sarcastically delusional manner presented in this article.
Bernie Sanders is much more likely to be a continuation of the
lousy fakery which is now the hallmark of democrats and
which is much closer to the desires of the Koch brothers and their
toxically delusional colleagues.
Bernie Sanders has prioritized a corporate party strategy over
his supposed integrity,
but we are supposed to believe he is doing that out of necessity.
Hmmmm, that behavior sounds SO familiar!
Can you say “Obama” or “Clinton” or “Reid” or “Pelosi” or any other of the
plethora of faking strategizers known as democrats?
“Bernie Sanders has prioritized a corporate party strategy over his supposed integrity, but we are supposed to believe he is doing that out of necessity.” – Clark
Hmmm… Necessity is the mother of Convention? Where have I heard that before.
You made me think of another possible analogy.
We are being sold non-refundable tickets to a concert by
“The Mothers of Invention”
by the promoters of “the Monkeys”
and meanwhile,
the venue for the “concert” is rotting and collapsing.
I don’t know… the K brothers would risk hand cramps as Bernie would require them to write lots of small checks.
The threshold of the author’s believability is close to absolute zero, I mean IQ zero. I’d like to believe the Bros as much as the next guy but only if they return all the money they stole or obtained through the government subsidies or monopolistic practices with all the illegally earned profits and interests as well, cuff themselves, put themselves to high cost and high brutality private prison (all of them) , put on rugged cloths and ask for forgiveness, right all wrongs they caused including social and environmental destruction and repent, than I would reluctantly consider it. I am a nice guy you know.
I think most of the sane TIC readers would meet me half way.
And as far as Trump or sanders true role in this electoral farce I suggest very revealing post called:
THE SLOW DEMISE OF HOPE TRADERS.
at:
https://contrarianopinion.wordpress.com/notes-on-buddy-politics/
The most significant form of corporate welfare in the US flows through the DOD. I don’t mean just the obvious, which is transferring funds to defense contractors. The internet itself came out of ARPANET, which was initially funded by the DOD. The web came from CERN, which is publicly funded by the EU. Some of the first computers (e.g. the ENIAC) were funded by the US Army. The integrated circuit was invented at the British Ministry of Defense.
Once those technologies are developed, they are given to private industry, but obviously the computer industry wouldn’t be what it is without a lot of R&D socialism — which is good to have, but there are other forms of social investment that matter as well.
The Jill Stein call out! I love it!
tongue-in-cheek- aside J.S., let us refute.
Irrefutable sounds pretty authoritative and scary, especially to an already obedient citizenry.
They’ve asked for bailouts: A Koch refinery located in Alaska, Flint Hills Refinery, repeatedly asked former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin for a bailout. Sen. Lisa Murkowski also asked for reduced royalties on the company’s behalf, arguing it plays a “vital” part in the economy.
After launching a campaign on behalf of the Keystone XL pipeline, they stand to benefit from taxpayer subsidies: Price of Oil calculates that refineries for the Keystone XL pipeline would receive over $1 billion in tax breaks for tar sands equipment. The Kochs have avoided talking about on how this would benefit the company. But InsideClimate News recently reported that a Koch subsidiary told regulators it has “direct and substantial interest” in the pipeline.
Koch Industries contributes millions of dollars to advance anti-environment legislation, and has been accused of outright bribery: Koch argues that the point of business is to “act lawfully and with integrity.” However, Grist points out a telling anecdote that undermines Koch’s point: Koch Industries was accused of bribing French government officials to win contracts. The Seattle Times reported that a Koch ethics manager highlighted bribes and activities that were “violations of criminal law” in France; however, the whistleblower was fired soon after she alerted executives to the issue.
and in the U.S., Koch Industries’ biggest political recipients in Congress advance anti-environment and anti-climate legislation, giving Koch Industries the freedom to emit 300 million tons of carbon annually.
With a simple search of Governments outside the US, heaping advantages toward the leviathan multinational, it becomes all to apparent that them Bros are hand-over-fist all about self-serving
profit seeking capital markets imposing its version of corporate democracy over democratically elected representative governments. (all the while the divided & distracted, myopic and muted citizenry, trance like…yawns.
I’m pretty sure the four horses of the apocalypse are, the two Koch brothers, Donald Trump and cows. There’s some vague rationale behind this theory..
That’s more believable than the Kochs supporting Bernie or Jill Stein.
Koch brothers jaws drop. Forbes tells billionaires: Plan now for a Bernie Sanders win in 2016!
Bernie Sanders is more like Ronald Reagan than Donald Trump. Forbes says that Sanders Tax Plan is similar to the one we had during the second half of the Ronald Reagan administration which disproves the notion that Sanders is too “far left” for America. They also tell billionaires to tax plan now for an eventual Sanders administration in 2016!
http://www.forbes.com/sites/peterjreilly/2015/08/30/tax-planning-for-the-risk-of-a-bernie-sanders-win/
was this conceived over couples cocktail hour?
Very nice, but the ordinary joe pot roast doesn’t get the hilarity.
The liberal mainstream partisans will likely dismiss your premiss out of hand, since in their opinion, the Koch Bros. are one step removed from Satan. But politics is littered with unlikely hook-ups. This makes about as much sense as anything else I’ve heard w.r.t. 2016. It also goes to show that voting for one or the other statist party is not really a choice at all.
Satire, my friend.
Actions and objectives are what one investigates first with anything the Kochs, or for that matter, the other plutocrats do.
What they say is often meant to gussy up the boys so that they come off as benevolent dictators and not the loathsome plutocrats they are. What’s that old saw? “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
How much money will the Koch Brothers give to a Democrat?
zero
How much money will the Koch brothers give to any republican politician who denies global warming?
blank check
That is the nice thing about Donald Trump (not that I am going to vote for any Republican). At least Trump doesn’t have to do what the other republicans that take the Koch brothers money have to do: which is agree to deny global warming – a position backed by 0.00001% of scientists. I am assuming that their are at least a few scientists on the doll from the Koch brothers also that help get that number up to 0.00001%.
Yes, the Koch brothers are disingenuous. After all, the Keystone Pipeline is one big, long subsidy aimed directly at Koch refineries.
But Bernie’s nebulous populism is equally misleading. When pinned down on specific issues, like drones, he reveals a business-as-usual mindset. A Sanders presidency would be a repeat of the Obama presidency.
The Koch connection to the Keystone Pipeline has been debunked numerous times.
I don’t think a Sanders presidency would be a repeat of Obama. His stance on drones would probably differ as POTUS than a senator. Good defense contracts keep jobs in Vermont and his constituents happy. O’Malley would be Obama 2.0.
Haha :) I’m assuming this is well-written satire. Good job.
The truth may seem like satire, until you get used to it. Bernie Sanders, if my memory is accurate, recently declared that petroleum was a renewable resource, providing the power of global warming could be harnessed to help transform dead biomass into new oil reserves. To realize this dream of unlimited energy, all that’s necessary is for the US government to subsidize oil refineries and provide tax credits to companies which burn fossil fuel. This isn’t corporate welfare because increased energy consumption has been shown to correlate with higher standards of living – so it’s an investment in everyone’s future.
Jon Schwarz may be the visionary who first called for this new strategic partnership of Bernie and the Kochs. But it would have happened sooner or later.
“The Riddle of the Sanders.”
“Irrefutable”? To misappropriate Princess Bride: “I do not think it means what you think it means.”
I know for a fact the Kochs are supporting Joseph Kony for 2016
I mean come on … four letter names that start with K what else do you need to know
An absurd proposition, that fails even to be amusing. I am hoping that TI doesn’t go the way of The Guardian, though the signs are not promising.
“Fails even to be amusing” is actually my middle name.
@Jon
I love it…..could not have selected a better middle name!!!! :-))
Bernie is only second in line.
I believe the Koch Brothers will support Al-Baghdadi for President, since they want to eliminate the US Federal Government and so does he.
Good point, though possibly they might ever prefer to make Giant Space Meteor president, because there’s really nothing like a total scouring of all life on earth to eradicate the federal government and institute Freedom.
I’m not sure if Americans are ready to elect a Giant Space Meteor as President. Trump for one would go ballistic, demanding to see its birth certificate. I can see it blazing through the early primaries, but then fizzling out before it strikes earth. At the end of the day, Americans feel more comfortable with known quantities, and will probably opt for someone with the name Bush or Clinton.
On the plus side, Giant Space Meteor would, I’m sure, be a big fan of our current ‘slash and burn’ foreign policy. So at least from that angle, we would have continuity, and there’d be fewer change-of-command jitters abroad.
Clickbait
In the words of the Immortal Joel, “then repeat to yourself, ‘it’s just a show, I should really just relax’…”