For the past four years, I have held a job with the Trump administration in which I constantly stabbed people. In total, I stabbed 97 individuals, in the face, chest, groin, and nose.
Today I stand up and say: No more. I hereby resign my position as deputy assistant undersecretary for stabbing.
The reason for my decision is simple.
I come from a family that believes in public service. Our Founding Fathers knew that it was necessary and, in fact, vital for the U.S. government to stab people. The only argument is how much. For myself, I am proud of each and every one of my 97 stabs. And I was correct to appear on Fox News dozens of times, where I repeatedly shrieked, “Let’s start stabbing!” I also used my TikTok account to promote the sales of Trump 2020 T-shirts with a picture of a bloody knife and the words “stab stab stab stab stab stab.”
Unfortunately, Wednesday’s mass stabbing by supporters of Donald Trump indicates that there is now a little too much stabbing in our society — from all sides. It is time for sensible moderates like myself to rein in the understandable passions of our fellow Republicans.
It is time for sensible moderates like myself to rein in the understandable passions of our fellow Republicans.
I realize this may frustrate my compatriots. We know the left will stab us all given the chance, as when Adlai Stevenson gestured toward Joseph McCarthy with a ballpoint pen in 1951. But we are the side of the aisle that has always opposed excessive stabbing. We must rise above, even if our actions are not reciprocated. Only then can all Americans live together in harmony — stabbers and stabbees alike.
It is in this spirit that I congratulate my fellow patriots who have also recently resigned from the administration. There is Elaine Chao, secretary of transportation; Mick Mulvaney, former White House chief of staff and, more recently, special envoy to Northern Ireland; Matt Pottinger, deputy national security adviser; Tyler Goodspeed, acting chair of the Council of Economic Advisers; and quite a few other people who you also have never heard of.
We realize some will call us the moral heroes of our age. Are we? That is not for us to say. All we can do is speculate about whether we are, in the WhatsApp group chat we just started.
Of course, some will ask why we didn’t resign long ago, or indeed why we agreed to serve in this administration in the first place. They will point to the president’s numerous tweets during the 2016 campaign in which he pledged to “triple stab” every U.S. citizen in alphabetical order. Then this past week, he lit on fire a giant moat of oil on the South Lawn of the White House, which spelled out “STAB” and can apparently be seen from the moon.
This criticism is a dangerous tack to take, one that strikes at the very foundations of our system of self-government. First of all, remember that President Trump never stabbed us. It’s all too easy for people who’ve been stabbed to self-righteously judge people who haven’t.
Second, we love power. Imagine how much you love your children, and then multiply it by a thousand. That’s how much we love being in charge. Remember that these jobs are not just about titles. We also get to impress everyone at our 25th high school reunion — especially Rita, who said no when we asked her to prom and now is married to some guy who owns a Toyota dealership. Then there’s the ID card you get, which has a little hologram of the Constitution.
Third, we also love money. Jobs like ours are always stepping stones to lucrative careers in the private sector. I personally hoped to do public relations for the NFL, where I’d be paid $800,000 a year to cover up how all the players are suffering from chronic traumatic encephalopathy. Now these dreams are as ashes in our mouths.
Where do we go from here? We are currently in discussions with Republican senators who planned to object to the results of the presidential election results — including Georgia’s defeated Kelly Loeffler, James Lankford of Oklahoma, Steve Daines of Montana, and Indiana’s Mike Braun — until they realized that constant, shameless lying could lead to them personally being stabbed. Together we hope to establish a new organization, Republican Patriots for the Correct Amount of Stabbing.
For now, though, all we can do is take comfort in our moral posturing. At the very least, we can look our sons and daughters in the face and tell them: “We did the right thing, at the very last moment, when it made no difference whatsoever.” And in the final analysis, we know our nation is bound together, as Lincoln said, by “the mystic chords of stabbing.” We have done our part and are content to leave judgments to history — starting with the history in the self-serving books we’re about to write.