America’s Greatest Political Rhetoric Rewritten Using Paul Ryan’s Definition of Freedom

From its founding, the United States has been about one thing: freedom. But what is freedom, exactly? Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and many others jabbered on about it without defining what they were talking about. But finally a great American politician has explained exactly what freedom is:

Freedom is the ability to buy what you want to fit what you need. Obamacare is Washington telling you what to buy regardless of your needs.

— Paul Ryan (@PRyan) February 21, 2017

So with Paul Ryan’s help, we now can go back and reread great American political rhetoric and at last understand what it means.

The First Amendment to the Constitution, 1789:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the ability to buy what you want to fit what you need of speech.

Thomas Jefferson on the founding of the University of Virginia, 1820:

This institution will be based on the illimitable ability to buy what you want to fit what you need of the human mind.

Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg, 1863:

From these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of the ability to buy what you want to fit what you need.

Franklin D. Roosevelt in his “Four Freedoms” address to Congress, 1941:

In the future days, which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human abilities to buy what you want to fit what you need.

Ronald Reagan, “Message on the Observance of Afghanistan Day,” 1983:

To watch the courageous Afghan ability-to-buy-what-you-want-to-fit-what-you-need-fighters battle modern arsenals with simple handheld weapons is an inspiration to those who love the ability to buy what you want to fit what you need. Their courage teaches us a great lesson — that there are things in this world worth defending.

Top photo from left to right: Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Paul Ryan, Ronald Reagan, and Thomas Jefferson.